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Why am I Afraid?

I find myself these last few days , ignoring what serves self and diving into the energies of distraction. This isn’t anything new to me, these habits. still ,even in the comfort of it I ask myself. why.Why am I distracting myself today? everytime I make progress , Its as if I must do something opposing my better actions. so What is my fear here?

I say its fear because that is the only thing that stops me from really doing anything. it is usually the fear of something that we may or may not be aware of .But it is fear nonetheless. so what could it be ?

-fear of failure – fear of the unknown – fear of ……. what …of being alone? in all of this

it may very well be all three and I Truly understand them and why I fear and even where they stem from.still i am aware that allowing this fear to sabotage my efforts does nothing to help heal, does nothing to make my life what i want it to be and only delays . so what am I not seeing? is my shadow trying to tell me something that i am not noticing? is this just habits that i must continue to replace with better habits? how deep does this fear go and do I even want to dive that deep?

i believe that on our journey we must start to question if we haven’t already.not just those around us, not just the system and society . but most importantly we must question ourselves. question our habits , why do we do the things we do and where do they originate from. questioning ourselves keeps us in a space of being responsible for ourselves. it keeps our morals and our awareness of self in plain view.

so i am questioning. this week as i also continue to dive into my shadow work,i want and will start questioning more of my habits and comforts and most importantly my fears. Just to make a note, i have done his before . diving into my emotions and understanding them was never something i enjoyed and sometimes it still annoys me. i feel that once i review some aspect of myself that- that should be it.But it never is . and that is both great and terrifying.(mostly annoying ).(why is it annoying – that’s a question)

what are you afraid of? what’s stopping or delaying you on your journey inwards? do you know? are you ready to face that aspect of yourself or are you still deciding if this is a path you want to take?


wholeness!

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Our future is up to Us!

It is imperative to me, that I always leave my advice , suggestions or supportive posts with keys to assist you with . As I concluded my last entry, I failed to mention these two helpful tools that can be used when one is stuck in the loop of self sabotage. keeping in mind that shadow work and deep diving into the true meaning of why you do the things you do , why you feel the way you feel and why you respond the way you do to external stimuli is a necessary and important part of our journey. The two keys I leave with you today are, consistency and compassion.

on our journey inwards to self there will always be an aspect of you that will rise up when you rise up. That aspect is put there by you to challenge your decision to DO.This aspect will push back when we try to push forward. It will point us in the opposing direction .This aspect of self will remind us of our comfort zones, our safe bubble and make our old dusty bed look like a safe haven made for royalty. I am here to say that when those days come ,when we succumb to that aspect of self , we must remember our bag of keys. The one we came here with , containing all we need.[The Fool Card inserted here :)} so ,First key – Consistency. for me it was hard at first. my habits layered each other,creating a tumble of intertwining loops that resembled a ball of thick hair .one loop was to delay , and whenever I “failed” at doing a task I set for myself I would say “Ill do this next week” or if I was really in deep i’ll set a new day to start, usually on a monday , and possibly the first of the following month.

As I became aware of this loop and how devastatingly imobile it allowed me to be, I reached in deep and pulled out this simple but powerful tool. to be consistent is different for everyone. Still it has one rule – Continue. Don’t stop , one day – two days , three. This doesn’t matter. it may delay you on your journey , still the more you do it the more consistency will replace the opposing habit. all you have to do is DO. the more I applied this tool, and let me tell you i’m a hard headed one, the more it became easier , the more I wanted to be better than the person I was the day before. I kept in my minds eye my WHY. To this day I continue.to this day I struggle, but I continue.

Second key -Compassion, as important and even more powerful than the other. Have compassion for yourself.Be caring and understanding to the you that didn’t want to do better.Have compassion for the you that Felt like looping today. Judgment ,hate, disappointment and shame only binds us . compassion loosens these chains,for if you have compassion for yourself, you are willing to acknowledge your weaknesses. you are willing to see yourself truly as you are at this stage of your awareness . you are willing to accept and love that aspect as it is. when you can do that (without excuses) , see yourself truly, strengths and weaknesses . there are no secrets, no traps. nothing can fool you. (you can no longer fool you)-You are aware. with this awareness you can see ahead, you know your patterns , you know yourself and with compassion you can allow yourself a day or two, but you also know that you must get back up and continue on your journey inwards.

wholeness!

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Refusing to turn around

Within these last two years I have learned alot about myself. I have gotten to know my strengths and my weaknesses. I have acquired(to some extent) the map of the maze of my own mind,through many trials and error. I have learned my habits. Those that are in the best interest of self and those that may not seem so- supportive .(keeping in mind that all things no matter how “bad” they may seem have a lesson , a key and a strength that we can obtain if we choose to go through the course the univers-ity puts in front of us). moving forward , I still have much more to learn much to remember and many more to come into awareness of . still, even with this abundant knowledge of self , there are many days where I fall of. Days where I go back to sleep . where I “close” my eyes and awareness to my decisions and move with habitual memory. which is why it is so easy to do without realising.

I come here today with the intention to encourage and remind those who are still in the pits so to speak. That every day or most days may seem like a challenge or a defeat. There will be days where you are not better than the you of yesterday and that aspect of self who wants you to stay still and asleep to your true nature of being ,overcomes you . We all have days where our habits of old- triumphs over our wants, needs and desires. Still,we are only truly defeated if we continue this pattern without ever trying to overcome those aspects of self. Those aspects that want to stay in a state of self pity, defeat and punishment (we must put them in their place). No matter what , we must continue to be consistent in our choice to be better than the self of yesterday. We must continue to choose ourselves everyday . Everyday is a battle- not with external forces, not with some Aliens in the sky or even some aggressive,jealous and divisive person/being at our workplace, in our home or even on the street. Our “battle” is within. we must focus on stabilizing, building, strengthening and reinforcing ourselves. Putting ourselves forward in balance and making sure that we are where we need to be. It is only then that we are able to move through the muck of the daily grind .It is through this consistent work where we regain our truth ,our power and stand in it , unmovable and unable to be knocked down by any who dares to stand In our way.

We must refuse to turn around,to follow the path which once led us into a state of chaos and self hate. I refuse to believe that any being is above me, superior to me . I refuse to kneel and bow to any aspect of self . But, I stand in gratitude to those that have come Before me ,and after me ,paving the way for those like myself who seek Truth , who seek inner healing and reclaiming of what is truly ours. Standing truly in our own power and wielding that uniqueness that is us is something I aim for .

We look back not to repeat our own footsteps, but to remember where we have been so that we can truly know where we want to go .

Wholeness and balanced Vibrations to you , Like always take what Resonates and leave the rest.

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WALKING THROUGH MY OWN DOOR

Tomorrow I will be doing some Inner healing work with a new mentor, teacher and guide. I am nervous because I want this to be an experience that does come through with energies of healing that is compatible with where I am consciously.something that allows me to see and feel a difference .(in what though ?)

For someone like me who is new on my journey I suppose it is a part of being a neophyte to want something to happen. Something miraculous and eye opening so that my hope and faith can be charged and fueled. But even in my newness, I am more aware than the me of yesterday . This urge to want something to just happen is a part of my ego that I am reshaping. so let me rephrase.

Tomorrow I will be working with someone I trust enough to help guide me through a healing process. I have faith that my guides,my “Higher” Self will be there to guide me through. but the faith and the result comes from me. This door I am about to walk through is one only I have the key to and it is truly up to me to walk through this door and journey into self. I think for a Neophyte such as myself the hardest thing is having faith . Not just having faith in others and their abilities, but having faith in myself and my own ability to go through this as successfully as I can and walk out of it with tools of truth and balance that can help me move forward on my journey. I have come so far and have an eternity to go, but I also want to stop wasting my time .(so stop wasting your time -self whispers)

The choice is really this simple, but I would be foolish to say and think that this climb will be an easy one. I know that the work does not end at this ceremony and stepping through this door does not mean venturing into its depths. what am I saying here? I’m saying that this healing process isn’t the end all be all. It will not solve all my problems , it will not awaken me to full and complete enlightenment and it will not do all of the work for me. Ultimately the work is mines to do . This process tomorrow may give me a stepping stone and even help me heal and become aware of some blockages and even help me heal some to an extent but, the work still continues.

Spirituality isn’t a savior program that I bow down to,too release me of my sins.Nor is it a magical lamp filled with a being that will grant me any wish that I dare speak into existence. it is a path chosen . one that leads me towards reclaiming and standing not only in my own truth, but in my own power.with spiritual enlightenment , comes work , work and more work. It isnt my intention to deter anyone from reclaiming what is divinely theirs to obtain, still it is something I want to make clear to all who venture into self (including myself) that nothing is giving to you freely and if it is – read the fine print. Nothing is given to you freely, we must work for it . Everyday we stare into an aspect of self that beckons us to overcome it , heal it and reclaim it . All this is happening inside ourselves not outside, and it is inside where we must do the work.

So tomorrow I choose to Dive in!

As always take what resonates and leave the rest , ALl Is Self . Wholeness!

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Time and Time, Again

It is easy to fall back into old habits, patterns that have held you in a state of stasis for so long. These places often traveled hold something dear to us. They offer comfort , warmth and a space of familiarity when all around us feels cold and may seem so out of reach.There is nothing wrong to seek that space . For it has been your home for as long as you can remember. But, as the butterfly fills it stomach and naturally knows when to stop, when it is time to change to transform, so must you. Transformation isn’t pretty. In Fact it can be down right horrifying . You must break yourself down just to build yourself back up. You Demolish this unbalanced , easily swayed and false foundation you stand on for one that is unmovable, sturdy, balanced and true. your Transformation requires you to leave the old nest. To let go of the old ways that no longer serves and go into the darkness of self to find yourself. Have no fear. It is only dark because you have been shining your light (your awareness) on that one spot you’ve been circling.The Question is , Are you ready to work? to Dive in? to travel these roads once more in search of self of truth?

This is a dialogue between me and myself. As most of my writing on this blog will be . I am on my journey of self discovery and remembrance. I choose this outlet to not only share my experience but to hold a space for those also on this journey . Thank you for joining me, take what resonates and leave the rest . Wholeness and Balanced Vibrations to you!

Responsibility

my spiritual path has been a very frustrating, inspiring ,scary and inner -worldly (out of this world) path. I mean i still consider myself very much so a green grasshopper or what those in the occult world would consider a neophyte. I believe that i am being truly guided by self and I see this guidance through all the teachers and allies around me.coming into the awareness of self , of truth is a beautiful experience. even amongst all the darkness and death. the muck and dense divisive energies tha continuously influence and in their own way guide me , this path is still a beautiful one.

I can’t help but feel very small sometimes, the knowledge that has been laid out before me is so massive and continuously expansive i feel that i can’t contain it all. that to receive so much is , too much for me. lately i can’t help but ask , why me ? why have this information come to me . I am filled with doubt, anger , sadness and sporadic burst of both high and low emotions concerning my path. responsibility has never been something i wanted or craved for. so why would something so enormously powerful fall in my lap. the power is the awareness of choice by the way, the knowledge and the application of that knowledge.

so, i’m rambling. i didn’t really have anything planned nor was this intuitive writing, still, i come today with some words for myself and maybe even for you .

when given the opportunity to free yourself from all that may bind you,or from all the walls that seem to cage you in, do you take the keys given and free yourself? or would you let those keys lay and stay in the comfort of what you think you know? all my life i have grown up on animes, cartoons and movies that inspire with characters that seems to know more, have more compassion and wants more for everyone . they are not only powerful but intelligent, warm and so we can relate , human. i have dreamt of having this, that power , to want adventure , to be able to fight for myself and my loved ones when it is necessary but most of all to stand for what i believe and be unmovable when needed- a force to be reckoned with.

but now this option has come before me, one can say that ive been calling it towards me my whole life and finally its arrived. but with great power……..comes great responsibility not just for yourself but for all those your come into contact with. i don’t believe i am ready for that responsibility, at this level of my awareness but that doesn’t mean i can’t be moving forward .so i am here ,the keys in my hand, bright exit sign above the door and all that i know behind me , now do i stay with the old or do i move forward, walk through these door and explore me ?become me? be me? do i take this adventure on ? or stay with what i know . walking a new path is never easy but neither is staying in my comfort zones.

Now is the time

As this is my first post, I want to make it quick, sweet and nourishing.

 It came to me that while many of us are falling or being kept sill by the dense and divisive energies that may be around us. It is imperative to keep in mind our power , our strength which is our choice. Everything may be easier said than done(who came up with that one) but  we must always keep in mind that everyday, every hour and every second we make choices. We decide to be in what ever energy we want to be in. So remind yourself daily  that you are in control of self. That you have the power to choose to be low as you do to be high. you have the power to choose to be negative [in terms of being divided within yourself ]as you equally have the power to balance yourself and the energies around you. You choose what your story will be . Do not allow someone else to write your story, to be the narrator and director of your life and your experiences ,do not put your choices in the hands of others  who do not know you and may not even know themselves. If you don’t know you how can they?

. It’s a great time to be alive , to live during a time of great destruction and renewing. lets not only look at the negatives of whats around us but also see the positives that rise up with it in balance.

I come here today only to remind you of what is within you. Unlimited untapped potential and power .As above so below , the cosmos is telling us we need to look within. Be still and silent all those voices within yourself to clearly hear your own true voice that has always been communicating with you, if only you learned how to listen. Isn’t this a perfect time to learn , now that we have the time to do so. Put your power back into yourself. Meaning spend sometime with yourself , remembering and relearning your own truth.

Wholeness and balance vibrations to you!

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